Sta.sh
I grew up thinking I was normal.
But I remember when I was four, dad told me that I could never enter his study.
Twelve years later, I wanted to discover what was in the study. Getting in was easy; I knew that the code was my birthday.
On top of a pile of papers was a nondescript grey binder. It wasn't anything remarkable, just a boring old notebook.
Opening it, I wasn't expecting papers saying that I was an experiment. An experiment gone wrong.
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I really liked this! And it must have been really hard to right, with the word count having to be exactly 85 (which is not much). I simply loved the last sentence. It's hard to give some constructive critique on something with such specific requirements, and so short... but I'll try. I really like the way the first sentence sort of connects with the last. It sort of wraps up the story , making it one (am i talking sense?!). Maybe the study thing was a little bit classic, but who am I to say?
"But I remember when I was four, dad told me that I could never enter his study.
Twelve years later, I wanted to discover what was in the study"
sound to me that the words "the study" are too repetitive here, and normally I would suggest saying insetad somethin like: I wanted to discover what was in there, but with the word count and all is hard to suggest an alternative.
well, it was not really too constructive, but hope it helped
Yes, you make sense.
Ah, I noticed that as well. I have a problem with repeating words and phrases.
Thanks again!
That said, it really is a side issue as to the story at hand.
It's hard to comment on something like tension/suspense with something so short. After all, the general rule from my perspective is that something longer can build up tension much more effectively than something shorter. But I'll try my best.
I suppose because this piece is so short, one can be scientific about it and break it down into its lines to describe suspense. The first 3 have build up and anticipation but the start of the fourth brings the anticipation right down after revealing a not-so-special notebook. Not that this is a bad thing, because the next line you throw the twist in. I recognise that it's a common thing for movies (i view stories like movies in my head, i figure most people do) to have a large build up section and then drop all tension briefly before coming out with a shocker.
But I feel that the ending was too heavily alluded to by the starting line. So rather, I would remove the starting line and jump right into the story and then use those few extra words to describe more of what they saw, or more about suspense.
The feel that it gives in the start is perhaps slightly cliched - of not being able to enter a parents study... or perhaps a guardians study, but I am totally fine with it since such a general idea can be crafted uniquely like this work did. The little information about the code being the girl's birthday has its own effect on the reader (if thought about for a moment). Either it instills love for his girl or perhaps... a more sinister purpose as was unveiled.
A notebook or something had to be there... it was what was inside that mattered. The end line though, does a wonderful job. What the girl read... "An experiment gone wrong" The thing that I like about this is is that it both explains/concludes while leaving a lot of possibilities for the reader. That is what made this work truly good. Had the ending been too straightforward... it wouldn't have been fun. Had it been too vague... same case.
So wrapping up the qusetion asked, a fine work in which I see little place for improvement. Carefully chosen words and a suspense story made this a really nice read! I think (like I stated before) the discovery as it is, is good. I personally feel that working on it in 85 words would have... been sort of messy. And the fact that it was quite short also kept intrest. I might be perhaps a little optimistic but no exaggerration!
I appreciate you taking the time to write out such a well thought-out comment very much!
Yes, I agree the beginning could've been a bit more...original.
But thank you! You and ~violetense both provided some lovely feedback!
You are welcome